Senior Thesis

A journey of self discovery through art.

For as long as I can remember, identity has been something that I have always been intrigued and perplexed by. Who I am, who I could become, and why I was even put here in the first place, to name a bit of my internal query. I was a curious child, constantly asking my parents about the universe, staring in awe at the star-speckled night sky and the sheer size of the darkness that encompassed me. I remember feeling like I would one day see myself as an integral part of the universe...as if my potential was limitless and that life would be easy. The older I grew, the more I missed my childhood innocence and how effortlessly I could dream without reality hanging on the horizon. I missed the time that I could wonder without my head being involved in the matter. I learned that reality can be that monster waiting in your closet at night, and if you dare open the door you may be swallowed up into a cataclysmic abyss.

Identity was soon strangled and suppressed by self-doubt and insecurity. Anxiety plagued my thoughts and stripped me of my genuine self. Instead, I put my mask on as a weak attempt of protection. I used a persona to shield myself from the turmoil encased inside. I hated to think of my emotions and to listen to my inner voice, and as someone so led by their heart, this was such a strange and confusing moment of my existence. I only let the world see a curated version of myself. A better version. A confident, beautiful, and successful me. But every glance into the mirror told a different story. It told me that I was a scared, confused girl, looking for the remnants of my original soul. It showed me the flaws, it showed me the sunken in eyes, and it showed me the unhappiness.

My college experience has involved a deeper exploration of myself, and through the years I have developed my craft and aesthetic while also learning more about myself and finding what was once lost. Although there have been roadblocks along the way, I now see those moments of weakness as a principal factor of my personal development. One's experiences, whether they be of the positive or negative nature, definitely transform the image of oneself. We are given two choices in life, to let these moments shackle us or to let them in as part of our stories. I have learned that these small parts come together to form a whole...that an individual must accept the darkest parts of themselves to be fully one.

My first projects involved film photography and focused primarily on my past with eating disorders and crippling anxiety. Through these images, I wanted to portray the darkness that was fostered over the years I put myself into that hell, which I translated into ominous and monochromatic imagery. I used limited color and desired the photographs to appear raw and truthful. At this time I also was still facing an ongoing battle with these emotions and although I had recovered decently and was trying my best to focus on a more positive mentality, I still found myself falling into old habits and regressing greatly. Some of the images I produced to this day still make me uncomfortable. It was a dark period and looking at some of these earlier projects definitely transports me back to that time.

Later projects tackled similar struggles, but also involved discussion of how I viewed the world around me and how that has affected my perception. I was also batting the thick of my depression during this time, so this could explain why I tried to focus on other things rather than myself. Thinking more about what I was going through only made it worse, so I suppressed it for the time being and worked on this other segment of my overall theme. Over this time, I found a strange solace in my work. I saw myself starting to incorporate more color into my work and enjoying the way it brought them to life.

Re-exploring this side of myself was very cathartic during such a dark period and was a welcome change. I also incorporated more of my original aesthetic into art again, utilizing contrasts in pastel hues and primarily focusing on varying tones of blue and pink. I started to tackle topics of gender inequality, harsh beauty standards that women face in an ever-changing society, and our rather frustrating political climate. I learned how these factors have affected how I see the world, and how I present myself to the world as well. My interests and views are yet another aspect of who I am so I found this to be yet another vital step in the process of defining and finding myself again.

My senior year has definitely seen the largest growth, with there being a greater understanding of who I am as a person, how the world works, and an increased push for my creative drive. I stopped having to look as much for external inspiration, and instead utilized my previous work as a launching pad. Ideas started to flow much easier, and I found myself using more innovative techniques for my art, being more experimental, and loving the entire process. I think I have truly found myself again and found what once made me proud of myself.

The final portion of my series of work thus far include a deeper exploration into other aspects I haven’t covered completely yet. My senior thesis marks the journey through my life as documented in color. As something I had shied away from during those few dark years, I really wanted to come back to it. Color has played a huge role in my life and how I view my world. Chronicling a timeline of my life through both imagery and colors that represent the emotions I felt at that time, the viewer really gets to see an abstract take on my own progression. I also decided to incorporate collage and utilizing mixed media as I have found a niche and love for it. By using this format, it also connects to the organic image I was going for. I wanted my project to represent my raw truth, bruises and imperfections included. It’s a story that I have always wanted to share, I just never knew quite how I wanted it to be told.

A separate body of work I have been working on to wrap up my time here delves into my soul and inner workings. I find myself greatly inspired by psychology and the root of one's innate being, thus I found it interesting to incorporate philosopher and analytical psychologist, Carl Jung’s work, focusing on his theory of the Map of the Soul. By looking at my persona, shadow, ego, animus, and ultimately self, I am peeling back my layers even more and going even deeper than I have before. This is well suited as part of my finale of work, as it reaches the pinnacle of my journey.

There have been trials and tribulations, fears and insecurities, to name a few. But there has also been growth, renewed confidence, and self-discovery. I am proud of the direction I am going in and I am learning to see my faults as beautiful imperfections rather than a rather nefarious source of negativity. My story may not have always been a walk along a rose covered path, but it is mine and it isn’t finished yet. I am more forgiving of myself and I have grown with my body of work. Not only have I developed a different set of skills in art and photography, but I have developed my own image as well. It has been a metamorphosis of sorts and I feel like I am finally the embodiment of what I once longed as a child to be.